Sunday, January 10, 2010

Numero Uno

On my first blog post I felt it might be a good idea to let the folks get to know me a little better. Here is a survey questionnaire that a friend sent me some time ago...( as a rule I really hate these things on social networking sites but every once in a while I feel the need to "set the record straight" on a few things ).
1.)Q. Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Yep, serious as a heart attack, it's a specialty of mine...

2.)Q. What was your dream growing up?
1. Astronaut, 2. Barney, from Mission Impossible ( he was the electronic gadget guy from  the tv series)
3. Barney, from the Flintstones..( that Betty Rubble was a babe...)

3.)Q. What talent do you wish you had?
  1.Graphic Artist, 2. Jazz Guitarist  3. Mime

4.)Q. If I bought you a drink what would it be?
     Nyquil, with a beer chaser

5.)Q. Favorite vegetable?
         1. broccoli,  2. Barbara Streisand,  3. asparagus  4. Anna Nicole Smith

6.)Q. What was the last book you read?
       The Tao of Physics for Dummies

7.)Q. What zodiac sign are you?
         " Porcupine"

8.)Q. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
         1. A Pissed Off  Tweety Bird giving the Finger (upper right buttock)
2. The word "LOSER" (upper forehead just above the ever receding hairline)

9.)Q. Worst Habit?
             So many bad habits, so little time.... (silently farting on crowded elevators is a favorite )

10.)Q. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
          That depends on 3 things;
1. the wifes proximity...( she has a thing about me picking up chics in tight shorts...) 2. how hard your workin that thang... 3. that I've managed to resist  the urge to clip you with my bumper... ( I have this problem with pedestrians, I think it has to do with being left by the side of the road dozens of times as a child,...ole mom was such a kidder...)
11.)Q. What is your favorite sport?
       1. Badminton  2.Curling  3. any sport begining with the letter "Q"... ( baseball actually, I'm a 3rd baseman and I like to play, not watch)...

12.)Q. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
           Optimistic of course...( for instance I'm Positive that the whole freakin world is gonna come crashing down around us any minute...)

13. )Q. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
             Before or after my hysterical claustrophobic psychotic conniption fit?  ( I also get severe gas when under stress )

14.)Q. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
            I accidently ( sort of ) shot the neighbors cat with my new junior bow and arrow set on Christmas day 1968 ...( dropped him in his tracks in a full run @ 50 yards...heh,heh,heh... the horror of it, it was their last one too...)

15.)Q. Tell me one weird fact about you.
            I was born with a 3rd Big Toe  ( it's attached to my left tonsil , perhaps you've noticed my halitosis    problem and slight lisp when I say the word podiatrist...)

16.)Q. Do you have any pets?
            Nope, I ate the last one.... ( grilled over an open fire with garlic and butter... no wait... that was the neighbors pet, I told em to put up a fence...)

17.)Q. What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
            Bad idea, I'm paranoid, cranky and have a machete..... ( on second thought come on in... can I get you a beer or something? )

18.)Q. What was your first impression of me?
             I thought you seemed very impressionable...

19.)Q. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
            Clowns are evil, everybody knows that.... hate the damm things...

20.)Q. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
            Replace my head with Paul Newmans, would be a real good start....

21.)Q. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
            Conscience unfortunatley, I'm living proof that nice guys finish last....

22.)Q. What color eyes do you have?
           Red, off White and Blue

23.) Q. Ever been arrested?
             No, but close a couple of times  (owed mostly to luck, exceptional running speed and knowing when to shut up and run..)

24.)Q. Bottle or can soda?
          Bottle if you please.... ( the old colored glass ones )

25.)Q. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
            Buy Ten Thousand lottery tickets...( because I feel lucky )

26.)Q. If you could, would you date me?
           Do you mean conventionally or by the carbon -14 method?

27.) Q. What 's your favorite place to hang at?
             The employee entrance to Hooters or anywhere that serves cold beer and a decent steak....

28.)Q. Do you believe in ghosts?
            of course not.....silly... did you just hear that?.... thought I heard something outside the bedroom door...must be my imagination playing tricks again.... AaaaaaaaaHhhhhhhh....

29.)Q. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
            1. I'm taking a Mime training course @ the University of Pheonix Online... 2. Cannibalize small children... ( it used to be plotting the overthrow of the free world but the current administration has beaten me to it so I crossed it off the list....dammit...)

30.)Q. Do you swear a lot?
             Like almost never.... ( what kind of an ignorant *ss #ucking question is that? *oddammit...)

31.)Q. Biggest pet peeve?
            "People", I just can't freakin stand "People".
( especially those bigoted, arrogant, elitest #ssholes who claim to "celebrate diversity" you know the type, they always have lots of bumper stickers on their hybrid electric cars showing how concerned they are about everything... )

32.)Q. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
            ASS... capital A, capital S, capital S....

33.)Q. Do you believe/appreciate romance?
            nah, it's highly overated.... ( I think it was probably invented by those pesky little people at hallmark...)

34.)Q. If you could spend 12 hours with me and ask/do anything you like, what would it be?
            only 12 hours, dammit the first thing that came to mind is gonna take at least 13 hours..... not counting the time spent in the Emergency Room...

35)Q. Do you believe in God?
           Of course, I think God is more than a little annoyed at how immature and selfish we all are too....

( some entries were slightly edited for language considerations, I just love those asterisks...)

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